| Twelfth Night
| Act 2, Scene 3
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Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREWSIR TOBY BELCH
Approach, Sir Andrew: not to be abed afterSIR ANDREW
midnight is to be up betimes; and 'diluculo
surgere,' thou know'st,--
Nay, my troth, I know not: but I know, to be upSIR TOBY BELCH
late is to be up late.
A false conclusion: I hate it as an unfilled can.SIR ANDREW
To be up after midnight and to go to bed then, is
early: so that to go to bed after midnight is to go
to bed betimes. Does not our life consist of the
Faith, so they say; but I think it rather consistsSIR TOBY BELCH
of eating and drinking.
Thou'rt a scholar; let us therefore eat and drink.SIR ANDREW
Marian, I say! a stoup of wine!
Here comes the fool, i' faith.Clown
How now, my hearts! did you never see the pictureSIR TOBY BELCH
of 'we three'?
Welcome, ass. Now let's have a catch.SIR ANDREW
By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. IClown
had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg,
and so sweet a breath to sing, as the fool has. In
sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling last
night, when thou spokest of Pigrogromitus, of the
Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus: 'twas
very good, i' faith. I sent thee sixpence for thy
leman: hadst it?
I did impeticos thy gratillity; for Malvolio's noseSIR ANDREW
is no whipstock: my lady has a white hand, and the
Myrmidons are no bottle-ale houses.
Excellent! why, this is the best fooling, when allSIR TOBY BELCH
is done. Now, a song.
Come on; there is sixpence for you: let's have a song.SIR ANDREW
There's a testril of me too: if one knight give a--Clown
Would you have a love-song, or a song of good life?SIR TOBY BELCH
A love-song, a love-song.SIR ANDREW
Ay, ay: I care not for good life.Clown
O mistress mine, where are you roaming?
O, stay and hear; your true love's coming,
That can sing both high and low:
Trip no further, pretty sweeting;
Journeys end in lovers meeting,
Every wise man's son doth know.
Excellent good, i' faith.SIR TOBY BELCH
What is love? 'tis not hereafter;
Present mirth hath present laughter;
What's to come is still unsure:
In delay there lies no plenty;
Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty,
Youth's a stuff will not endure.
A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.SIR TOBY BELCH
A contagious breath.SIR ANDREW
Very sweet and contagious, i' faith.SIR TOBY BELCH
To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion.SIR ANDREW
But shall we make the welkin dance indeed? shall we
rouse the night-owl in a catch that will draw three
souls out of one weaver? shall we do that?
An you love me, let's do't: I am dog at a catch.Clown
By'r lady, sir, and some dogs will catch well.SIR ANDREW
Most certain. Let our catch be, 'Thou knave.'Clown
'Hold thy peace, thou knave,' knight? I shall beSIR ANDREW
constrained in't to call thee knave, knight.
'Tis not the first time I have constrained one toClown
call me knave. Begin, fool: it begins 'Hold thy peace.'
I shall never begin if I hold my peace.SIR ANDREW
Good, i' faith. Come, begin.MARIA
What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my ladySIR TOBY BELCH
have not called up her steward Malvolio and bid him
turn you out of doors, never trust me.
My lady's a Cataian, we are politicians, Malvolio'sClown
a Peg-a-Ramsey, and 'Three merry men be we.' Am not
I consanguineous? am I not of her blood?
Sings'There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady!'
Beshrew me, the knight's in admirable fooling.SIR ANDREW
Ay, he does well enough if he be disposed, and so doSIR TOBY BELCH
I too: he does it with a better grace, but I do it
[Sings] 'O, the twelfth day of December,'--MARIA
For the love o' God, peace!MALVOLIO
My masters, are you mad? or what are you? Have yeSIR TOBY BELCH
no wit, manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like
tinkers at this time of night? Do ye make an
alehouse of my lady's house, that ye squeak out your
coziers' catches without any mitigation or remorse
of voice? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor
time in you?
We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up!MALVOLIO
Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade meSIR TOBY BELCH
tell you, that, though she harbours you as her
kinsman, she's nothing allied to your disorders. If
you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors, you
are welcome to the house; if not, an it would please
you to take leave of her, she is very willing to bid
'Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.'MARIA
Nay, good Sir Toby.Clown
'His eyes do show his days are almost done.'MALVOLIO
Is't even so?SIR TOBY BELCH
'But I will never die.'Clown
Sir Toby, there you lie.MALVOLIO
This is much credit to you.SIR TOBY BELCH
'Shall I bid him go?'Clown
'What an if you do?'SIR TOBY BELCH
'Shall I bid him go, and spare not?'Clown
'O no, no, no, no, you dare not.'SIR TOBY BELCH
Out o' tune, sir: ye lie. Art any more than aClown
steward? Dost thou think, because thou art
virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?
Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i' theSIR TOBY BELCH
Thou'rt i' the right. Go, sir, rub your chain withMALVOLIO
crumbs. A stoup of wine, Maria!
Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady's favour at anyMARIA
thing more than contempt, you would not give means
for this uncivil rule: she shall know of it, by this hand.
Go shake your ears.SIR ANDREW
'Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man'sSIR TOBY BELCH
a-hungry, to challenge him the field, and then to
break promise with him and make a fool of him.
Do't, knight: I'll write thee a challenge: or I'llMARIA
deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.
Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight: since theSIR TOBY BELCH
youth of the count's was today with thy lady, she is
much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me
alone with him: if I do not gull him into a
nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not
think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed:
I know I can do it.
Possess us, possess us; tell us something of him.MARIA
Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.SIR ANDREW
O, if I thought that I'ld beat him like a dog!SIR TOBY BELCH
What, for being a puritan? thy exquisite reason,SIR ANDREW
I have no exquisite reason for't, but I have reasonMARIA
The devil a puritan that he is, or any thingSIR TOBY BELCH
constantly, but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass,
that cons state without book and utters it by great
swarths: the best persuaded of himself, so
crammed, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is
his grounds of faith that all that look on him love
him; and on that vice in him will my revenge find
notable cause to work.
What wilt thou do?MARIA
I will drop in his way some obscure epistles ofSIR TOBY BELCH
love; wherein, by the colour of his beard, the shape
of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure
of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find
himself most feelingly personated. I can write very
like my lady your niece: on a forgotten matter we
can hardly make distinction of our hands.
Excellent! I smell a device.SIR ANDREW
I have't in my nose too.SIR TOBY BELCH
He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop,MARIA
that they come from my niece, and that she's in
love with him.
My purpose is, indeed, a horse of that colour.SIR ANDREW
And your horse now would make him an ass.MARIA
Ass, I doubt not.SIR ANDREW
O, 'twill be admirable!MARIA
Sport royal, I warrant you: I know my physic willSIR TOBY BELCH
work with him. I will plant you two, and let the
fool make a third, where he shall find the letter:
observe his construction of it. For this night, to
bed, and dream on the event. Farewell.
Good night, Penthesilea.SIR ANDREW
Before me, she's a good wench.SIR TOBY BELCH
She's a beagle, true-bred, and one that adores me:SIR ANDREW
what o' that?
I was adored once too.SIR TOBY BELCH
Let's to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send forSIR ANDREW
If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.SIR TOBY BELCH
Send for money, knight: if thou hast her not i'SIR ANDREW
the end, call me cut.
If I do not, never trust me, take it how you will.SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, come, I'll go burn some sack; 'tis too late
to go to bed now: come, knight; come, knight.
| Twelfth Night
| Act 2, Scene 3
Previous scene | Next scene